My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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