And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
