Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
