Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
