Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think I won the penis lottery.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
