Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
