I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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