There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
