Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His hands were made for my vagina.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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