Where is the hickey?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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