my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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