I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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