i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
