I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
