She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
