So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
