I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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