Your face is a jimmy john
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
