Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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