I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
