i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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