Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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