Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You can't special order awesome
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
