Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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