He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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