that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
