remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
