remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
