I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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