hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
