so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
