She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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