Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Actions speak louder than pants.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
