I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
