I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
