Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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