you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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