I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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