Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
