she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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