If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
