i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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