My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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