I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
