Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
