I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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