Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
pray to the hookup gods
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
