I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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