I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
