I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
