Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
