you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
